Could I? Should I?

One of the hardest things about living in New Zealand is the amount of things that you leave behind. There was definitely some purging that needed to be done in my closet and room. I don't deny that but sometimes I think of all the craft supplies that I've lost in the shuffle. Granted, I bought art supplies that I never used. However, being in New Zealand without a job makes me want to do some art projects. The problem is that we have debt that needs to be erased thanks to Mr. 2 years deferred payment. I need a job to help with the payments but nothing is working, should I just apply to the job in Mitre 10? So buying art supplies that I may be able to turn into a viable business front may not be the best road to walk down. I would like to take a night class that deals with woodworking or painting or drawing but is that the responsible thing to do?

Settling into a new place and a new country takes time and I'm slowly getting there. I'm feeling more comfortable being in New Zealand. I'm trying to transition but sometimes I'll get stuck on something and it feels like I'm back to square one. Sometimes I still do compare but I realize that our living situation could be so much more worse than where we are at. We are in a wonderful place to raise children, a nice country with nice neigbors. Still, if I was in America, we wouldn't have had to spend so much money on getting house necessities because I already had them. The bed, the drawers, the towels, the kitchen utensils, the whole works. I would have a job! I had my art supplies with me, I was able to decorate things for the girls. I was happy to give them something that I created for them. I hate having to look at a piece of wood, acrylic paints and brushes and thinking that the prices are too much. Would it have been easier for Gordon to have moved to the States? Probably not because he has a good, steady job here in the Air Force.

Making friends is not easy for such a quiet, shy, introverted girl like me. I consider that I'm putting myself out on a limb by just saying hi to other church parishners or walking into a swimming pool area all by myself. I had a viable support network back home full of friends and family. While I do have support from my in-laws, it can't substitute the feelings I have for my family. Its like getting a new addition to the family with their own attitudes and outlooks, it takes a while to get used to. Sometimes I just want to be over this whole feeling of being an outsider looking in. I want friends that I can go talk to and have days with so I don't get resentful when Gordon goes and plays golf so many times during the week or has to go on a trip. I wish that I could go on week long trips with ladies.

A feeling of inadequacy washes over me now. I'm not gifted at knitting or embroidery or sewing like ladies here in New Zealand are. I can't make clothes for my children. The only things I can knit are baby blankets and scarfs. Gordon loves me for who I am but I feel like a square peg trying to be put into a round hole. I'm not a single girl anymore, I'm a married woman. My bracket of friends have changed, except for those I have in the states. My best friend is thousands of miles away and I can only talk to her twice a month and my family once a week. I can barely make conversation with Gordon's mom when she's visiting. What I can do is paint wood, make crude and childish drawings, work on a computer, make scrapbook designs and dream big.

I should love me but inevitably we all compare ourselves to the people around us and I feel inadequate. I can't make cakes from scratch and I prefer macaroni and cheese from a box. I hate bugs in my house while people have learned to live with it here. Gordon never asked me to be anyone else, he took me at face value. Gordon doesn't understand why I don't love me, its not a default from my family its a default in my wiring.

I want to feel needed the way it was back home. I was Aunt Nene, Nene, the girl who would come and help out if she could. The girl who watched the twins and Dax so Ali and Paul could go out for date night. My Mom and I went to Popejoy to watch musicals and enjoy time with each other. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, something that defined a part of who I was. That made me Nedra and the girl that Gordon fell in love with. Gordon loves me, he needs me to love and support him. I guess he needs me to cook healthy meals for him and make sure he doesn't drink too much or get angry when the golf ball doesn't go where he wants it to go. I do know that I can't live without him. He's filled a part of me that was empty. I just wish we could have both been Americans or New Zealanders. I guess its going to take some more time, which I have plenty of. I think that I may just buy a couple of paints and some wood and decorate them. Its time to do something constructive.