Road of Faith

I've been going to a study group on Thursdays and we are in charge of a service because the minister is taking 6 weeks off to build or finish is house. Our section is about turning points, mainly what made us turn to Christianity. Laura and I will be doing the speaking part, Judith has been helping with music, Joy is doing the children's talk and Kay is holding communion. I'm really excited to give my story. Hear is what I'll be talking about in front of the congregation. I like giving little view point speeches because it gives me a goal that I need to reach during the week. Anyways, here it goes:

How did you become a Christian? Was it brought on by some life-altering event? Did it happen in a dream or a vision with blinding light and a deep, booming voice? Or maybe it just happened instantly, one day, out of the blue when you went to a service? For most, like me, it is a long, winding road that can take years to travel. In all of these circumstances though there is one constant, the people are changed and their way of thinking is somehow altered. My road to being a Christian was full of twists, turns, potholes and speedbumps. I thought that I would never get to where I was going. My biggest challenge was that I had to realize that the perception of myself had to change in order to get where I was hoping to go. That who I was, what I was, where I was from never diminishes God’s love for me. I had to learn to fit into my own skin and gradually love myself in order for God to fit into my life. In turn, my faith bloomed.

I remember that every year in primary school we would do a collage that was full of magazine clippings using words and images to describe ourselves. You never put the bad stuff just the good things but inside I was full of bad, negative words that I had heard of myself growing up. Things like fat, ugly, hairy, hot-tempered, lazy swirled in my head constantly and ran to the forefront in my mind. I heard kind words from friends and family as well, pretty, kind, quiet, nice, funny, happy but the negative seemed to drown them out. Becoming a teenager and an adult is enough of a struggle already but the negative became so magnified that most days I would look in the mirror and see no one of value just another person taking up space. There were good days as well when the person looking back at me was who I truly wanted to be. Pretty soon all that was left was a scared, frightened, insecure, unhappy teenager who became a woman that saw mostly her faults and hardly any of her strengths. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin which led to my second obstacle. How God must have wept for me being so foolish.

When I graduated from high school, I had gained some of my confidence back. My dream at the time was to become a pharmacist. How quickly things change when you go to university. Suddenly I was faced with new choices and new decisions to make and pharmacy fell by the wayside while I endeavoured to figure out what I wanted to be. I always seemed to take a longer time than most people around me to get where I was going. My sister had taken just five years at Stanford University to get her bachelor’s and master’s in Earth Systems. It took me seven years, and constant teasing by family, to finally end up with a bachelor’s degree in biology. I was proud of myself for finishing what I had started but I was ashamed that I had taken so long. I felt like I was a drain on my parents. I always felt like the black sheep of the family because it took me longer to get it right. When Gordon proposed and we decided to get married, my fear of not fitting in came back in my mind. I was going to move to a new country where there were different customs, different sayings and things were just done differently. I felt that I had to assimilate into Kiwi culture and I had none of the skills to do it. I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. God worked to change my thinking through two people, my sister and my husband.

I remember going to church as a small child but for some reason, we stopped going. The base of my faith had been layed down but it was abandoned to the elements of life. My sister is the one who started working on my foundations again. She had gotten married to a nice man, they had children and they decided to move back to New Mexico. She encouraged me to come with them to church services. Often times I would start going to churches but I never felt connected enough to keep it up. I became a fair-weather Christian, only going when life was good and never going when times were tough. My sister provided that connection for me to start going to church regularly. I had someone to discuss my opinions with, someone to feel connected to when I went to church. It was like I was learning to ride a bike and my sister was there to help me if I fell. Pretty soon I was able to “ride” on my own and Ali was just walking beside me. Finally, my sister encouraged me to sign-up for study groups that the church was hosting. These groups helped me to build on my foundation, to get the frame up if you will. I changed, I started to feel better about myself and I learned that when I include God in my everyday life it makes it so much better.

Marriage is such a huge step; it becomes even more complicated when the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with lives in a different country away from all that you know. However, through Gordon I found my true faith, I became a true follower. The foundation and the frame were already there and Gordon strengthened my faith. When Gordon looked at me he didn’t see what I felt, he saw me. I often tell friends that Gordon is my example of God’s love for me because he gives his love freely and without conditions. Gordon sees someone of value not a insecure woman who feels like she can’t get it right which is the way we like to think God sees us isn’t it? I’m not saying that my husband is a saint but he is perfect for me. My heart was complete when Gordon decided that he wanted to spend his life with me. Gordon loves me just the way I am and I know that God loves me just the way I am too as proof in Isaiah 43:1,4,” I have called you by name; you are Mine! Since you are precious in my sight.” I can’t tell you how uplifting that makes me feel, how it makes me feel comfortable about who I am. I am precious in His sight!

I found that I wanted to have not only a strong marriage but a marriage that included God. I had seen what a faithless marriage can do to couples and I wanted to start mine on a good foundation. Gordon choosing to love me and make me his wife brought me to where I am today but he also brought me closer to God than I have ever been. It was hard to say goodbye to family and friends that I had all my life but God had a different plan for me. I believe that he took me away from my old life to start my new life with Him and my husband. I remember something from my moving study group, it was that the first thing you should do when moving somewhere is to find a new church to go to services to. It’s hard to explain but when I went looking for God I found comfort from the pain and loneliness of being in a strange place with no friends and nothing to do but sit at home. I believe it was because my heart was complete now, Gordon had made it that way and I look at Jeremiah 29:11-12 to explain it. There are tough days when I wish that my mother and sister were just a car ride or phone call away but I’m also stronger in my faith foundation. Through marriage and moving I’ve learned to fit into myself and in the process found what I was looking for all along to be loved and accepted.

I don’t want you to think that my life is perfect because it’s not. I have daily, weekly, and monthly struggles with the perception of myself still at times and there are times when feeling like not fitting in is at the forefront of my mind. However with Gordon and God’s help I’m learning to value myself. That I can take as much time as I need to get it right, that it doesn’t matter that I take a little longer than most people. I am enough for my husband and I am enough for God and that is all I need to know. It would be nice to have a job, a family, a comfortable cushion of money but I think that I have all I need because “I am precious in His sight.”

Husband back home and sunshine days are here!

Well, I received a pleasant surprise last Monday night. My husband came home a day early! Turns out that a tanker had stranded itself on the reef in Samoa and they told the Navy boat and the RNZAF that they had to leave right away from the dock, that's the short story of it. So they called the plane got it there and everyone boarded and came home. Unfortunately, I was at a church concert so I wasn't at home when Gordon called. He found a ride home so that was nice when I drove up and saw him standing at the gate. We were able to spend the rest of the week together having fun and just enjoying being together again.

Gordon had to leave again on Friday to go and get the helicopters assembled from the navy boat when it docked. He didn't get back home until Monday. I had to keep telling everyone at church that he did come home but he had to leave again to reassemble the helicopters since he was on the last rotation. I didn't mind it at all because I got to spend four days with him until he had to go away again. We did some laundry and cleaning up and also went to go check out the new section of the plaza that opened last Thursday. It was a nice day out.

The weather has been cooperating really well. We're expecting a front to come in on Friday with rain and crap but these last two weeks have been heaven with the sun shining and the temperatures comfortable. We've had some great days with no cloud at all, just beautiful blue sky. Due to the good weather I've been able to get out into side garden and free my poppies and gladiolas from weeds. Now its Gordon's turn to do the other section of the side garden. It is apparent that we are definitely going to need to get more soil to replenish the levels they used to be for the side garden and definitely our veggie garden. Looks like the compost and grass we put in have started to decompose and lower the soil level. We may be able to do that in November or December. It just means that our soil is becoming rich with nutrients so that makes me happy.

The big thing happening this Monday is Gordon's birthday. Mr. Schofield will be turning 29 this year. Oh my gosh, that means I'm going to be 28! It was also Father's day last Sunday and I sent a card to Gordon's dad from the both of us. Our gift is our trip to Tirau next weekend to spend some time with them. For Gordon's birthday we are going to have curry. We were going to have pizza but then I told him I was surprised he didn't want curry for his birthday, silly me. We may go and see a movie as well or we could just go and have some gelato for his birthday instead. Gordon isn't too concerned about gifts.

Speaking of gifts, I've been working on figuring out what to do for gifts for the Schofield family at Christmas. I know it may seem early but its better to get it out of the way right now then wait until the prices go up during the Christmas season. I was thinking board games for each couple, that would only mean buying two board games! The rest of the family is going to receive either a family tree bag or a potted flower can that we'll make ourselves. Any suggestions? Mom already has Gordon's presents figured out but I'm still at a loss of what to get for me. Honestly, I'm just happy with some nice jeans or something for the house. I've started to think about what the house needs rather than what I want. I don't think there is much I want anymore, besides maybe an ipod and a food processor, because I've learned to deal with what I have on such a small budget. The days of frivolous spending are over for me, I have to think of the future now. I must admit that it is hard to do at times though. I wish that we could get nice stuff for our house and not worry about the cost but I think I'm learning to appreciate what I do have for our house. I've also learned that DIY is the way to go when wanting to save on money as well. Besides, in a years time we'll have an extra 144 dollars a month when our GE bill is all paid off so that's something to look forward to. It seems so faraway at times though.

What's not faraway is my trip home! I'm so happy that I'm allowed back into the country with my work visa. I'm not sure if I need to apply for another work permit or not but we'll see when I get back. It can be so confusing on whether you need a visa and/or permit. A permit is for if you live in New Zealand and a visa is if you are out of the country and applying. Still very confusing, I'll just be happy when I get my residency permit. The twins are excited to have their Aunt Nene come and visit them and I can't wait to meet little Ewan for the first time! I'm also going to help Ali make a Halloween costume for Dax. The balloon fiesta will be going and I can go and see that and enjoy it. Its only about three weeks away now. The time will come faster than I realize and then I will be back in NM and enjoying everything that I've missed for a whole year like Anthropolgie, Williams and Sonoma, Lane Bryant, Cracker Barrel, Pei Wei, Red Robin and New Mexican food! I'll also be able to share with my family some of the stuff we eat here in little ol' NZ. I should take them a little thing of Nutella or something. The girls loved the chocolate biscuits that I sent them for their birthday. I should get the rest of my cookbook written and put onto my drive stick so I can assemble that when I get home and leave as Christmas presents.

I'm only bringing one suitcase because Mom wants to get Gordon a new suitcase. I just need to make sure that when I come back my suitcases meet the weight limits. It shouldn't be a problem because I'll try to pack light, yeah right. We'll see how it works out. Gordon was telling me that I may be able to check my baggage all the way to LAX which will take the hassle out of the int'l terminal in Auckland because it gets so busy and I only have an hour and a half layover there. We'll see how it works out. I'll have to pack some new and old books to read for my delays at the airports. It will be hard without Gordon there to experience everything that I'm doing but we'll survive somehow. Next trip we are definitely going together, so we'll be together at my best friend's wedding and hopefully we'll have a little one with us as well.

I've started knitting a new baby blanket. Its a sea green color and I'm coming along very well with it. I think I may be ready to start on a bigger baby blanket project. It may take me longer but we'll see how it goes. I know Ali likes the blue blanket that I gave to her. I'm hoping that knitting the blanket brings me luck in Gordon and me getting pregnant. I find myself wondering at times if I will every get pregnant but we still have five more months to keep trying until we have to go for testing to see if there is anything wrong with us. I've adopted a positive attitude lately that it will happen, I just have to be patient. Still, you find yourself going to a dark place every now and again. I was telling my sister the other day that they make it seem if you don't follow stringent guidelines when trying to conceive that your baby will come out deformed or something. No wonder I worry about healthy babies so much because they can make the issue of conception and having healthy babies so scary at times! I'm still working on my weight issue and eating healthy. I saw a show last night that said to get natural folic acid to try and eat citrus fruits and leafy greens, I can't eat fish because it makes me gag. But I've been eating lots of oranges lately so that has to be good for me as well as broccoli and brussel sprouts.

Gordon and I had a great day on his leave day Tuesday, due to him being in Auckland for the weekend, by spending time outside. We had a great time weeding, planting and composting. I found that the Christmas lily bulb I bought was sprouting in its package! So I promptly had to plant it into a tub that was devoid of flowers. I also planted a dahlia tuber as well so we'll see how it goes. If the weather is nice on Sunday I anticipate doing some more planting with the help of Gordon. Also I had bought some freesias and ranunculus, do any gardeners have any handy tips on tricking them into sprouting for me even though its not fall? The start of spring is definitely here because there are tons of daffodils blooming. Its amazing to drive on the road and see on the side of the road a whole bunch of daffodils just sprouting out from the garden. Gordon and I also made a picnic and took it to the Mt. Lees reserve which is near Bulls and Sanson. It had a nice bushwalk to take and it said in the paper that now was the perfect time to go and see the daffodils in bloom. The daffodils definitely did not let us down! As you can see from these pictures we had a good time. I wasn't very happy about how I looked but true to form Gordon said he thinks I'm beautiful. Its nice to have a husband who thinks you're pretty even when you feel like you aren't at times. I think we may go back to the gardens we went to for my birthday soon if the weather is still good one of these weekends. I like when it gets warm because it means Gordon and I get to go places and parks.

Oh my, what a lengthy blog. I hope you enjoyed reading. I'm not sure if I'll update my blog while back in NM but it is definitely a possibility. Oh congratulations to my cousin Candice and her husband Nick on the birth of their son, Blake!