Trails of homesickness

It has been one of those weeks where some little thing had the potential to put me into a bout of homesickness. It definitely succeeded for a couple of days there. I swear I was practically unresponsive one night and it really scared Gordon. I have to go back to the beginning though and that was all due to one little test, a pregnancy test.

I had been feeling nauseous, dizzy and tired a lot lately. Somewhere in my brain, I felt like I had finally done it, I had gotten pregnant. What else could explain those slight pains in my lower pelvic region, what else could explain my sudden weight gain? I decided to try my luck and take a test. Then I saw that ugly line, the negative instead of the positive sign I had been looking for. Of course I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't pregnant like I thought I was but something else upset me more. If I wasn't pregnant, then what the heck was wrong with me? Why was I feeling so terrible? That set me off into a wave of tears and a bout of self-pity that I would rather forget. Thoughts of failure started to plague my mind and that dreaded word, "infertile", started to flash in my head constantly. I shook it off though and I was fine for the rest of the day. I made some cards, did some knitting, tried to be as productive as I could be...then Gordon got home.

I felt like somehow I had let him down, that I was not good enough to be his wife. Something that started out so trivial spiraled into thoughts and feelings that I didn't want to have. My self-worth started to plummet and I didn't want to stop it. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I wanted to wallow in it and I didn't want to get out just yet. Gordon told me he was disappointed too but that we would keep trying and eventually we will have baby. He went to go take a shower and I went to go make some instant Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid reminded me of home and I wanted to feel just a little bit of home, of my mother, that's when I finally broke down. Gordon is a wonderful husband but sometimes a girl just wants her Mom to hug her, to tell her that everything is going to be fine and not to worry. Gordon could hear me crying all the way in the shower and was a bit worried so he came out and just held me while I told him that I wanted my mom, I needed her. It was a very trying Thursday for both of us. Gordon took a personal day on Friday to stay home with me, to make sure that I was going to be fine. I told him my fears that sprouted from that negative test. My fear that when people say I will make a great mom that it made me think that I wasn't going to have any children. My fear that he should have married someone other than me. My fear that everything I did I was always a failure at. I was also able to call my mom and talk to her to feel a bit better.

After having my good cry and my self-pity party, I decided that I really should try and get out of the house. Staying there was only going to make me more sad and I needed to be active. I asked Gordon to take me to Telecom so I could ask them some questions about our current service. It felt good to be out and about with Gordon and I was making a slow recovery to my normal self. I had a bit of an episode at Church but I made it through the service. I knew that I wasn't going to feel instantly better that it was going to take time to be Nedra again. The sunshine during the week really helped a lot and made me feel good when it shined in through the windows and the car.

I got a call from one of our church friends, Kay Brown, on Monday. She could tell that I wasn't my usual self as well. I ended-up going over to her house and talking to her for quite a bit. She said she understood how it could be upsetting to get a negative on the test. She also listed the things that showed I wasn't a failure like I thought I was. I had created a budget for Gordon and me to live on that we were sticking too, I had moved all the way out to New Zealand, I graduated from college, I had married a great man. Kay is a very good friend and she told me that I should face my fears rather than shy away from them. If I wasn't feeling well then I should go to the doctors and face my fear that something might be terribly wrong with me. My faith has helped me through this as well. With friends like Kay being put in my path, the support and love I receive from my husband and my mom. Praying nightly to receive guidance and grace. Its all helped me through these trying couple of days and my homesickness.

I went to the doctor yesterday and Gordon came with me to give me support. It turns out that I had a urinary tract infection. The doctor has given me some antibiotics to take for the next three days. I really hope that it does the trick and that the infection goes away. I was reading that if it is left untreated for too long that it can damage the kidneys. So, like I said, I hope that the antibiotics take care of it. If it has affected my kidneys then I may need stronger antibiotics to help them out and get them better. I don't know how long I've had this infection for, it may have just started last week or developed over the past month. I didn't have one of the telltale signs so I didn't know that I had it until I went to the doctor. It was a good thing that I decided to go to the doctors yesterday.

I'll write more about the rest of my week but I just wanted to explain to everyone why my post has been so delayed. Right now I'm a bit tired and just want to rest.