How did you become a Christian? Was it brought on by some life-altering event? Did it happen in a dream or a vision with blinding light and a deep, booming voice? Or maybe it just happened instantly, one day, out of the blue when you went to a service? For most, like me, it is a long, winding road that can take years to travel. In all of these circumstances though there is one constant, the people are changed and their way of thinking is somehow altered. My road to being a Christian was full of twists, turns, potholes and speedbumps. I thought that I would never get to where I was going. My biggest challenge was that I had to realize that the perception of myself had to change in order to get where I was hoping to go. That who I was, what I was, where I was from never diminishes God’s love for me. I had to learn to fit into my own skin and gradually love myself in order for God to fit into my life. In turn, my faith bloomed.
I remember that every year in primary school we would do a collage that was full of magazine clippings using words and images to describe ourselves. You never put the bad stuff just the good things but inside I was full of bad, negative words that I had heard of myself growing up. Things like fat, ugly, hairy, hot-tempered, lazy swirled in my head constantly and ran to the forefront in my mind. I heard kind words from friends and family as well, pretty, kind, quiet, nice, funny, happy but the negative seemed to drown them out. Becoming a teenager and an adult is enough of a struggle already but the negative became so magnified that most days I would look in the mirror and see no one of value just another person taking up space. There were good days as well when the person looking back at me was who I truly wanted to be. Pretty soon all that was left was a scared, frightened, insecure, unhappy teenager who became a woman that saw mostly her faults and hardly any of her strengths. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin which led to my second obstacle. How God must have wept for me being so foolish.
When I graduated from high school, I had gained some of my confidence back. My dream at the time was to become a pharmacist. How quickly things change when you go to university. Suddenly I was faced with new choices and new decisions to make and pharmacy fell by the wayside while I endeavoured to figure out what I wanted to be. I always seemed to take a longer time than most people around me to get where I was going. My sister had taken just five years at Stanford University to get her bachelor’s and master’s in Earth Systems. It took me seven years, and constant teasing by family, to finally end up with a bachelor’s degree in biology. I was proud of myself for finishing what I had started but I was ashamed that I had taken so long. I felt like I was a drain on my parents. I always felt like the black sheep of the family because it took me longer to get it right. When Gordon proposed and we decided to get married, my fear of not fitting in came back in my mind. I was going to move to a new country where there were different customs, different sayings and things were just done differently. I felt that I had to assimilate into Kiwi culture and I had none of the skills to do it. I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. God worked to change my thinking through two people, my sister and my husband.
I remember going to church as a small child but for some reason, we stopped going. The base of my faith had been layed down but it was abandoned to the elements of life. My sister is the one who started working on my foundations again. She had gotten married to a nice man, they had children and they decided to move back to New Mexico. She encouraged me to come with them to church services. Often times I would start going to churches but I never felt connected enough to keep it up. I became a fair-weather Christian, only going when life was good and never going when times were tough. My sister provided that connection for me to start going to church regularly. I had someone to discuss my opinions with, someone to feel connected to when I went to church. It was like I was learning to ride a bike and my sister was there to help me if I fell. Pretty soon I was able to “ride” on my own and Ali was just walking beside me. Finally, my sister encouraged me to sign-up for study groups that the church was hosting. These groups helped me to build on my foundation, to get the frame up if you will. I changed, I started to feel better about myself and I learned that when I include God in my everyday life it makes it so much better.
Marriage is such a huge step; it becomes even more complicated when the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with lives in a different country away from all that you know. However, through Gordon I found my true faith, I became a true follower. The foundation and the frame were already there and Gordon strengthened my faith. When Gordon looked at me he didn’t see what I felt, he saw me. I often tell friends that Gordon is my example of God’s love for me because he gives his love freely and without conditions. Gordon sees someone of value not a insecure woman who feels like she can’t get it right which is the way we like to think God sees us isn’t it? I’m not saying that my husband is a saint but he is perfect for me. My heart was complete when Gordon decided that he wanted to spend his life with me. Gordon loves me just the way I am and I know that God loves me just the way I am too as proof in Isaiah 43:1,4,” I have called you by name; you are Mine! Since you are precious in my sight.” I can’t tell you how uplifting that makes me feel, how it makes me feel comfortable about who I am. I am precious in His sight!
I found that I wanted to have not only a strong marriage but a marriage that included God. I had seen what a faithless marriage can do to couples and I wanted to start mine on a good foundation. Gordon choosing to love me and make me his wife brought me to where I am today but he also brought me closer to God than I have ever been. It was hard to say goodbye to family and friends that I had all my life but God had a different plan for me. I believe that he took me away from my old life to start my new life with Him and my husband. I remember something from my moving study group, it was that the first thing you should do when moving somewhere is to find a new church to go to services to. It’s hard to explain but when I went looking for God I found comfort from the pain and loneliness of being in a strange place with no friends and nothing to do but sit at home. I believe it was because my heart was complete now, Gordon had made it that way and I look at Jeremiah 29:11-12 to explain it. There are tough days when I wish that my mother and sister were just a car ride or phone call away but I’m also stronger in my faith foundation. Through marriage and moving I’ve learned to fit into myself and in the process found what I was looking for all along to be loved and accepted.
I don’t want you to think that my life is perfect because it’s not. I have daily, weekly, and monthly struggles with the perception of myself still at times and there are times when feeling like not fitting in is at the forefront of my mind. However with Gordon and God’s help I’m learning to value myself. That I can take as much time as I need to get it right, that it doesn’t matter that I take a little longer than most people. I am enough for my husband and I am enough for God and that is all I need to know. It would be nice to have a job, a family, a comfortable cushion of money but I think that I have all I need because “I am precious in His sight.”
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